Marriage As a Spiritual Path

In my Sacred Intimacy  for Couples class this week, I’ll be teaching the path first illuminated by Harvillle Hendricks in Getting the Love You Want–a book I highly recommend.

Hendricks teaches that marriage is a spiritual journey meant for the healing of both parties. Inevitably, we are drawn to exactly the right person, the person who can help us to heal our childhood wounds. Our partner senses the very same capacity in us. Hendricks thinks this ability to facilitate our healing is the true basis of attraction and of marital choice.

To be a healer for your partner, you have to change. And it’s not a small change that’s needed–it’s the very change that is the most difficult for you. That change is also the one you most need for your own emotional and spiritual growth.

“Jean Paul” has low self-esteem and low self-confidence. He feels inadequate as a father, husband and provider for his family. His wife, “Marie,” grew up in poverty; her father abandoned his family when Marie was a small child. She needs a partner who will approach the world confidently and who will succeed in his work and in his roles in the family.

It’s Jean Paul she marries, though. He recreates the old injuries, and he has the capacity to heal them through the changes they both need him to make.

On the other hand, Jean Paul needs loving acceptance above all–something which was in very short supply in his childhood. He needs Marie to shower him with affection and understanding, not the constant criticism she often gives him now. Marie needs to learn to love Jean Paul’s essential, beautiful self, regardless of how the world sees him. If Marie becomes willing and able to give this to her husband, he will become better able to be the man she wants.

Successful Couple Therapy Changes a Whole Family

Together in couple counseling these two learned to meet each other’s  needs. Once you see that the change your partner needs will be of huge benefit to you as well, it becomes much easier to commit to the change. Those few truly happy couples you know are those who have accomplished this kind of growth.

Someone has to take the first step. Sometimes this is the one who is more courageous; sometimes it’s the one who is in the most pain. In this couple’s case, I was able to help them establish a clear path for making the needed changes. They learned to do an “apologies and appreciations” exercise several times a week. Marie made sure to acknowledge and verbalize her appreciation for every positive contribution Jean Paul made to her life and to the lives of their children. Jean Paul learned to set small, easily obtainable goals, and then to fully celebrate himself when he accomplished them.

With my help, this couple revived their long dormant sexual connection. When Jean Paul found that he could be an expert giver of pleasure to Marie, he grew in self-esteem. Marie found it easy to voice her honest appreciation for her husband’s rediscovered expertise as a lover. This was one of many arenas in which this loving couple learned to grow and heal.

I don’t mean to make it sound easy. It never is. There were stops and starts along the way. There were times when they felt discouraged and wondered if they were making any progress. I had told them early on to expect these times. Our therapeutic relationship was based on trust, so they were able to rely on my confidence in them when they temporarily lost their own.

This courageous couple learned the tools and did the work that becomes the foundation for a truly fulfilling relationship. I had the great privilege of providing the needed support and guidance. From the beginning, I knew they could do it. I held that vision through all the ups and downs until they were able to make that vision their own. By doing this hard work, they gave priceless gifts to their children as well as to themselves and each other.

It can be this way for you and your partner dear visitor. May you find your way.

==========================================

In Spring, Mary Oliver says:

Somewherea black bearhas just risen from sleepand is staring

down the mountain.All nightin the brisk and shallow restlessnessof early spring.

I think of her,her four black fistsflicking the gravel,her tongue

like a red firetouching the grassthe cold water.There is only one question:

how to love this world.I think of herrisinglike a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws againstthe silenceof the trees.Whatever else

my life iswith its poemsand its musicand its cities,it is also this dazzling darknesscomingdown the mountain,breathing and tasting;

all day I think of her —her white teeth,her wordlessness,her perfect love.

========================================

Blessings to you and those you love, dear visitor!